The Unlikeliest Pair
by garfieldodie
Summary: AU Rimmer comes out of stasis one day to find that the entire crew are dead and he is three million years away from home. To make matters even more complicated, Kochanski is the one brought back as the ship's hologram.
1. Waking Up

**Author's Notes:** _This is a little story that I never intended to post, but it ended up growing into a slightly bigger story. It was basically a 'what if' scenario that I've ended up a bit fascinated by, and as I've been done up in bed after foot surgery, I've found time to write it. It's actually been rather fun exploring this premise. I hope you enjoy it too!_

_These are all basically really short snapshots of Rimmer's life post-stasis. I haven't actually decided _why _Rimmer wound up in stasis yet, except that he got into trouble, so I hope you'll go along with it for now until I think of a reason._

* * *

The door to the stasis booth let out a hiss of steam as it slid open, and Arnold J Rimmer rejoined the flow of time and started aging again. He finished the salute he'd been doing as he did so, and he proceeded to step outside into the corridor that awaited him. He wasn't particularly eager to see the Captain again. After the right bollocking he'd gotten before his sentence, he was rather eager for the chance to never see the man again.

He was still fretting over what this would mean for his record when he finally noticed how quiet it was. After nearly fifteen years in the service, he'd never known this ship to be so quiet. There was always activity of some sort going around. He couldn't fathom what it could possibly mean.

Thankfully, it was interrupted by a familiar London twang. "Good morning, Arnold. It is now safe for you to emerge from stasis."

Rimmer blinked. "Holly? Where's Todhunter? I thought he was going to let me out."

"Please report to the Drive Room for debriefing."

Holly didn't have any monitors in this area, so Rimmer couldn't look him in the eye. He could only shrug his shoulders helplessly and make his way up the corridor towards the Drive Room.

It was a long walk.

There were strange little mounds of white powder that lined the floor, and Rimmer didn't like the look of them at all. Still, he figured that a lot must have happened in eighteen months. He walked as fast as he could without actually running. He was growing worried now.

At last, he made it into the massive Drive Room, which was littered with more mounds of white powder. They were definitely putting him off now.

It was now that Rimmer began to realize why it was quiet. "Holly, where is everybody?"

"They're dead, Arnold."

It took a few seconds for that sentence to properly register with Rimmer. He heard the words, and he knew what they meant, but he couldn't figure out how to link them to the current situation. He stood there staring off into space for several seconds before he finally began to get the clockwork gears that made up his brain to start turning again.

"… _What_?" he asked, cursing himself immediately for asking such a stupid question.

"They're dead, Arnold," Holly repeated in exactly the same tone he'd used before.

"What, everyone?"

"Everybody's dead, Arnold."

Rimmer's mind was reeling. The reality of those words was beginning to settle in his chest and crush his lungs. He staggered against a desk and fought for oxygen. It took him another few seconds, but eventually managed to gain control and speak again.

"Wha…? But… How? How can they all be dead?"

"One of the drive plates blew apart and released a lethal dose of Cadmium II. Everyone was dead in under a minute, I'm afraid."

Rimmer could only stare straight ahead at the empty room, which from his perspective had only minutes ago been so full of life and energy. He staggered again, but his breathing remained steady. All the same, he decided to sit down in the swivel chair. However, he couldn't help but notice that there was a small mound of the white powder sitting in a neat little pile right next to him on the desk. He ran his fingers through it, desperate for a distraction from this horrific news.

"Holly, what the hell is all this stuff?"

"_That _is Console Executive Imran Sanchez."

Rimmer immediately started dusting his fingers as fast as he could to get the remnants of the dead crewmember off his digits, pushing away with the chair and rolling along the floor. He got to his feet and began brushing his hands against his legs in a desperate attempt to get away from the dead cells.

"You mean… each and every single one of these little piles of albino mouse droppings is a member of the _crew_?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so."

"Is this what Cadmium II does to people? It reduces them to little mountains of dandruff? All of this happened in eighteen months?"

Holly looked awkward now. "Well, not quite eighteen months."

"What?"

"Well, it's a bit more than that, actually. You see, I couldn't let you out of stasis until the radiation had reached a safe background level."

Rimmer massaged his temples. "Holly, would you kindly just get to the point?" he asked irritably. "How long was I in stasis?"

"Three million years," Holly replied.

It was as if someone had thrown a switch. Rimmer fell against the wall behind him and slowly slid down it, landing with a heavy thump on his arse. He didn't even bother to wince in pain as he made contact with the hard metal floor. He just sat there, unable to contemplate what was happening.

"Three… million…?" he managed to gasp out.

"I'm afraid so."

Rimmer struggled to get his brain working. This was serious. No kidding around. He had to get himself on top of the situation. "So… that means… not just the_ crew _are dead. It means… _everyone_… is dead."

"Yes, Arnold – in all probability, you are the last human being in the universe. God help us."

Rimmer ignored the tasteless joke and just sat there, feeling another wave of nausea wash over him. This wasn't real. It couldn't be. It just couldn't. He had so much going for him. He was going to be an officer. He was going to command his own ship. He was going to finally be better than his three stupid older brothers and make his stupid heartless parents proud of him at last. How the hell could this be happening?

"Arnold?" Holly asked with some concern.

"… How the hell can this be happening?" Rimmer asked in a voice that squeaked slightly as it went, making him sound not unlike a prepubescent lad going through the first few stages of manhood.

"I understand, Arnold, but you need to get a hold of yourself."

"Why the hell did you let me out?" Rimmer demanded, back in his usual voice. "Why didn't you just keep me in stasis forever? What is the point? The human race is probably extinct, and I have nowhere to go! My family is dead! My career is dead! Everything I ever worked for is pointless now!"

Holly tilted his head in a shrug. "It seemed like the decent thing to do."

Rimmer growled and fell to the floor, curling up into a ball and rocking back and forth out of sheer frustration and fury. He pounded his fist on the hard metal floor, only to immediately regret that decision as he felt the pain ricochet through his fist.

"I'm alone," he said quietly. "I'm one hundred percent completely alone."

"Well, technically speaking, yes."

Rimmer looked up in confusion. "What's that supposed to mean, 'technically speaking'?" he demanded.

Then he noticed a figure standing in the opposite doorway. It was a woman with shoulder-length brown hair, a khaki uniform with green trousers and a green cap on her head. Most telling of all was the large metallic H in the middle of her forehead.

He sat up in shock, staring at the digital ghost that stood before him. "Wait… Kochanski?" he asked in a daze.

"Rimmer," she replied shortly, somehow making it sound like 'scum'. "Long time no see."

Rimmer scrambled to his feet and found himself automatically saluting. "Miss Kochanski, ma'am! I was just… I was… I… I don't know anymore…," he finished sadly, pinching the bridge of his nose.

Kochanski shook her head at him scornfully. "Well, well, look who's alive and kicking," she said.

Rimmer could only look at her incredulously. "What are you doing here?"

Kochanski suddenly took on a sunny expression. "Oh, I just forgot my purse somewhere in here. You don't mind if I check around and look for it, do you?" Her scowl returned. "I'm _dead_, you idiot! Read the eighth letter of the alphabet planted on my face! I'm a hologram!"

Rimmer backed away, despite knowing that she couldn't really harm him. "You're a hologram? But why?"

"Ugh! Do we need to go over this again? There's a small matter of me being dead!"

"No! I mean, why are _you_ the hologram? Not that it isn't absolutely wonderful to see you, ma'am! Always a pleasure! Ma'am!" he said, trying hard to stay in her good books while he attempted to extract whatever information he could manage.

"Because Holly _chose _me – that's why!"

Rimmer threw a helpless glance in the direction of Holly's monitor. The large bald disembodied head blinked before realizing that he was supposed to have some sort of explanation handy.

"Er… I did a probability study," he lied, "and Kochanski is the best candidate to keep you sane."

"Keep me _sane_? You actually intend for me to keep living after this bombshell you've dropped on me?"

"I thought it'd be kind to give you an option."

Rimmer sat down in the chair again. "Great. So to recap, I'm three million years in the future, I'm possibly the last human being alive, and my only companions are a computer and a hologram of a woman who hates me. Wonderful. Sensational. I wish I could've just died in the radiation leak."

Kochanski massaged her temples, feeling a great big surge of anger wash over her. "Look, Rimmer, I don't like this any more than you do, but this is the situation we're stuck in, so there's nothing we can do about it."

"I could send myself out of an airlock," Rimmer replied flatly.

"… What?"

"Well, what's the point in sticking around, may I ask you? Am I supposed to just sit around on this ship for the rest of my life, ticking away the seconds until I die and the human race snuffs out? Is that what I'm supposed to do?"

"Rimmer, please…"

"Stop it, okay? Just stop it. I don't want to hear it."

Kochanski watched as the man she had probably the lowest opinion of _ever _leaned forward against the table and buried his face in his arms. She waited to see if he would start crying. It's not like she would've been able to judge him. All things considered, _anyone _would cry in a situation like this.

However, when he came back up, she didn't see any tears. Instead, she saw fury. It was such a powerful fury that she nearly jumped backwards in fear, but she remembered her training and stood her ground. She could only stand there in silent wonder as Rimmer's face turned beet red in anger, and it seemed to be building so much that his fists were shaking gently.

"Rimmer…?" she asked gently. "Rimmer, whatever it is you need to say, maybe you'd better just say it. It's just you and me here. I won't judge you. Just say whatever you feel like saying."

And Rimmer screamed.

Kochanski jumped backwards again, and Holly was so startled he dropped beneath his screen, just peeking up over it like a child peeking over a wooden fence.

It was a loud scream that went on for what felt like years. Rimmer let it go for about fifteen seconds, during that period he collapsed to his knees, once again on the hard metal floor, and he didn't stop until he ran out of air. He collapsed on his side, curled up into a ball and wept.

Kochanski could only stare in stunned silence. It was like watching an episode of _National Geographic_. She couldn't really interfere. She contemplated what would happen if she walked over and put a hand on his shoulder, only to remember she couldn't anymore.

She could only watch as Rimmer finally let out every vestige of anger and frustration he had ever felt until he finally cried himself to sleep.

* * *

**Author's Note: **_Okay, that wasn't very humourous, but it felt like a realistic response, muck like Lister's in the novel '_Infinity Welcomes Careful Drivers'_, so this is just to get us started. We'll explore the chemistry between Rimmer and Kochanski in later chapters. Hopefully, I won't make them fall in love._


	2. Finding Something To Do

**Author's Note: **_Thanks to those who have read the first chapter, and are now reading the second. This story is flowing rather easily for me. _

* * *

The days passed. It wasn't getting any more pleasant.

Rimmer had not quite recovered from his funk. He was the last human being alive. He had no family, no friends, and no future, and that was just what it was like _before_ the accident. Now he had no hope, either. Despite his bitter and cynical outlook on life, he had always had a slightly sliver of hope that everything would come up roses someday. He'd pass that exam, he'd get promoted, he'd command his own ship, he'd have his own crew, and he would finally get an invitation to Christmas dinner on Io with his family, which he would turn down, of course, because he hated them, but he loved the idea of just being _invited_.

Now they were all gone. He was alone.

"You're still in bed?"

He was alone, except for _her_.

Kochanski marched into his sleeping quarters, looking more than a little irritated. "Rimmer, I know you're going through a hard time, but for god's sake, you can't just waste away in bed for the rest of eternity."

Rimmer didn't reply. He just lay there, not even thinking.

Kochanski looked him over. He hadn't even bothered with pajamas. He'd just kicked his boots off, snuggled into his bunk under the blankets and gotten comfy. He had huge bags under his eyes, his hair was unruly from lacking of combing, and his face had five days' worth of stubble.

"You're a shadow of your former self, Rimmer," she said disgustedly. "And you weren't all that substantial in the first place."

"Go away," Rimmer rasped in a hoarse voice.

Kochanski blinked. "When's the last time you cleared your throat?"

"No one to talk to," he replied, just as raspily.

"You sound like a fifty-year-old chain smoker. Rimmer, _get up_!"

"No point."

"There's _always_ a point! Just get up!"

"What's the point then?"

Kochanski came up short. "… Well, I don't know! Just get out of bed! Let's do something!"

Rimmer squinted in her direction. "What exactly have _you_ been doing?"

"I've been… Well, not much of anything, really. I'm a hologram now. There's not much I _can _do."

"I weep for you," Rimmer grumbled, pulling the blanket over his head.

Kochanski glared. "You could be a little more sensitive about it. I am _dead_, after all."

"I'm sorry you popped your clogs. Now smeg off."

"Hey! I'm still your superior, you know! I don't like pulling rank, Rimmer, but if I have to in order to get you out of bed, then I will!"

"Oh, what is the point?" Rimmer demanded. "Who do I answer to – you? You're not captain. You're in Navigation. Your job is to tell which way is left and which way is right. Now just smeg the hell off and let me decompose in peace!"

Kochanski pinched her nose in frustration. There had to be something that would get the last human alive out of bed.

Imagine her surprise when her prayers were answered in the form of Holly appearing in the mirror. "Oi," he announced in a manner that was not very computer-like. "I've managed to run a scan on the cargo decks, and I found something there that shouldn't be there. It's a life form."

"What is it?" Kochanski asked.

"I don't know. I only know what it isn't."

"What _isn't _it?"

"Human."

At this, Rimmer finally lowered the blanket, looking up in surprise. "A non-human life form?" he asked, finally clearing the phlegm from his throat.

"Yep," Holly replied with a nod.

"… Aliens!"

Kochanski looked at him in surprise as he struggled to get out of bed. He took a long stretch to reactivate his muscles and proceeded to wash his face at the sink.

"Aliens?" she asked dubiously.

"Well, what else could it be?" Rimmer asked as he dried his face with a cloth.

"I don't know, but aliens? Really? Rimmer, there are no aliens in deep space. It was proven when they sent the starships into space."

"How do we know they looked in the right places? Maybe aliens don't like humans! I've always had this theory that after they helped us build the pyramids, the humans turned on them and kicked them out."

"… You're serious?"

"History is written by the winners."

Kochanski shook her head. "Holly, get a lift for us. We're going down there."

Rimmer tossed the rag into the basin and headed after her. "Miss Kochanski, ma'am – a question, if I may?"

Kochanski was startled. It was the first time Rimmer had addressed her as a superior officer since he'd come out of stasis. "Er… you may."

"How do we actually proceed in apprehending this non-human life form?" he asked, standing to attention.

"Oh…" It was a surprisingly reasonable question. "Er… well, we'll need to arm ourselves. You'll have to go get something from the munitions cabinet."

"Yes, ma'am! Right away, ma'am! Anything else, ma'am?"

Kochanski couldn't help but smirk at what a toadie the man was. "We'll see, Rimmer. Just find a weapon."

"Yes, ma'am. On my way, ma'am!"

And with that, he marched out of the room, trumpeting like a bugle the whole way.

Kochanski shook her head. She probably should've told him to put a clean uniform on first. She wondered how the creature would react to seeing Rimmer in his underclothes.

* * *

**Author's Note: **_In the next chapter, we add the Cat to mix. Should be a hoot._


	3. The Unhuman Life Form

**Author's Note: **_Cat's introduction is based on the scene from 'Infinity Welcomes Careful Drivers'_

* * *

There was a city in the cargo bay. It was just too amazing to put into words. It stretched for miles ahead.

Rimmer gripped the handle on the bazookoid with some trepidation. "Some sort of alien civilization has built a city in the cargo hold…," he murmured in amazement. "They must've seen Red Dwarf just floating along and claimed it for their own."

Kochanski wanted to dispute Rimmer's theory, but she had to admit, she was a bit stuck for an explanation. She wished she could contact Holly, but he was too far away for them to speak to.

Crudely fashioned igloo-shaped dwellings lined the walkways, hummocks of carved wood, without doorways. Each had only a slit, perhaps only a yard long and foot high, cut six feet from the ground.

They made their way down the walkways, checking inside some of the hummocks, but finding only enough room for two people to hunker down and peer outside through the slit, not to mention a few books with blank pages.

Ten minutes later, they found several benches all gathered around before a large plasma-screen television. It had a video player hooked up to it, and when they removed the videocassette, they found it was the Flintstones.

"This is so weird…," Kochanski murmured. "Whoever built this place, they must've been an entire organization, which means there should've been a lot of them… So where are they all?"

Rimmer had no answer. He spotted a small café down the street with tables and parasols. He was still tired, so he sat down in one of the chairs, setting the heavy mining laser on the table. Kochanski couldn't sit in a non-hologrammatic chair, so she was forced to stand next to him.

"What's the life form detector say?" she asked.

Rimmer checked the handheld device. "It's nearby," he whispered. "And it looks like it's coming here…"

Before he could pick up the bazookoid again, there was a flash of pink, and he suddenly found himself flying backwards in his chair. In an instant, he was pinned to the floor by a man with a bouffant hairstyle and a neon pink suit.

Kochanski was left powerless, unable to do anything to help as this strange man proceeded to sniff Rimmer up and down.

The man himself cowered nervously. "P-p-p-please, sir, let's talk about this reasonably!" he squeaked. "I was just walking along with my friend here. We're a bit lost. We could just be on our…"

The pink-suited man took a deep sniff of Rimmer's face, and a moment later, he was on his feet and cleaning his suit with a toothbrush. "Sorry, man – I thought you were food."

Within a few hours, they brought this creature back up to the main floor. They had to promise him they had food. Even weirder, instead of joining them in the lift, he felt inclined to climb up the through the air ducts. He got to the Drive Room before they did.

They took him to Rimmer's sleeping quarters, taking him to the tiny table and chairs with the laughable sign, 'Recreational Area'.

"What do you want to eat?" Kochanski asked.

"Fish," Cat replied immediately.

"Rimmer – go get a fish dinner from the food machine."

"Yes, ma'am. Right away, ma'am," Rimmer replied quickly, and he hurried out of the room to the machine down the corridor. He ordered the food from it and brought it back to find the man was now sniffing Kochanski, much to her disgust.

"Er… should I come back later, ma'am?" Rimmer asked awkwardly.

Suddenly, the stranger sniffed in Rimmer's direction, and he immediately ran over and started sniffing the fish. He promptly started giggling happily and snuggling Rimmer, licking his face with his rough tongue.

Grimacing, Rimmer panicked and set it down on the table, and the man began eating away without even using a fork.

"What the hell is he?" Rimmer demanded, wiping his face with a paper napkin.

"He's a cat," Holly announced, reminding them he was here.

"What, a cat?!" Kochanski asked, bemused. "How?"

"During the radioactive crisis, the cat you smuggled aboard was safely sealed in the hold."

Rimmer looked at Kochanski in astonishment. "You smuggled a cat onboard? An un-quarantined cat? That's against regs!"

"I _didn't_ smuggle it aboard! _Dave _did!" she snapped defensively.

"Dave…? Lister?"

"Yes!"

Rimmer sucked in his cheeks and looked to the heavens. "Ohhhh… _Listy_…," he moaned. "Listy, Listy, Listy… Rest in peace, you slobby arse…"

Kochanski glared at him. "Stop that. He was upset after I dumped him. I talked to him after he came back from planet leave and confiscated it."

"He got it from…? Oh, god. Who knows what that thing was crawling with?"

Kochanski shook her head. "Holly, how can that man be a cat?"

"Well, for openers, the cat was pregnant."

"… Dave, you idiot," she hissed in annoyance.

So Holly delved into the history of the cats are far as he could piece it together. Fortunately, Rimmer had kept some of the blank books they had found, and they were able to figure out that cats didn't use words but smells to tell stories in print. They finally found a book that told the history of the cat people, and they learned how the cats had been involved in a civil war about whether or not their god's name was Cloister or Clister.

"Lister… God of the Cat People," Rimmer muttered bitterly. "Some people get all the breaks…"

Kochanski shook her head. "So he's the last one?"

"It would appear so," Holly confirmed. "I'm not detecting anything else down there."

"So Cloister or Clister or whatever… What's the story on him?"

"It says he took the woman Kris, the Goddess of Red, to be his bride and entrusted the Holy Mother, Frankenstein, to her care, to protect her from the evil men who wished to kill her."

"Frankenstein?" Rimmer repeated.

"It's what he named the cat," she admitted. "I couldn't help but keep calling her that."

Rimmer shook his head. He glanced over at the Cat, who had finished his meal and was now brushing his eyebrows with a toothbrush. "So what'll we do with him?" he asked.

Kochanski shrugged. "I suppose he'll just stay with us. We'll teach him to use the food dispensers so he can look after himself."

Rimmer nodded. Then he looked at her thoughtfully. "What about us?"

That was one question too many for Kochanski. She was losing the ability to form answers, and she knew that Rimmer wasn't about to have an idea that would put him in bad standing with her.

"What about us, indeed," she said quietly.

The Cat finally finished his grooming. "Well, I'm gonna go grab my next nap," he said amiably. "Catch you monkeys later." With next to no effort, he took an acrobatic leap and curled up on top of Rimmer's locker, falling asleep in the confined space.

Deciding that wasn't a bad idea, Rimmer walked over to the bunk, kicked his boots off and got back into bed.

Kochanski could only shake her head helplessly. Back to square one, but with a super-evolved cat in a nice suit.


	4. Making a Plan

The Observation Dome was a nice place on top of _Red Dwarf_ where you could go to look at the stars. It usually required reservations and fifty credits to gain access, but Rimmer was able to get in with no trouble. One nice thing about the crew being dead except for him was that there were no lines. He sat down on the bench and leaned back against the railing, staring out at the stars that no man before had ever seen.

He was feeling empty again. It had been three days since they had discovered the cat city, but the sole survivor of the race was a self-centered, materialistic creature with large fangs, nice clothes and next to no intelligence. Rimmer had tried to make friends, but the only time the feline ever listened to him was when he was teaching him to use the food dispensers. After that, there was no need for Rimmer. The Cat simply resumed playing with string, collecting shiny things, eating and sleeping, not to mention taking six showers a day.

Holly wasn't much better company. He had tried to strike up a conversation with the computer, but it was no good. Holly had gone peculiar from being on his own for three million years. It was too depressing. To make it worse, Rimmer couldn't think of any credible orders for the super computer to do. He was technically by default second in command aboard this ship. He should have _some _sort of authority. Unfortunately, he couldn't think of anything.

That just left Kochanski.

Well, not quite. There were the Skutters as well. They apparently had names like 'Bob' and 'Madge', but he couldn't be bothered with memorizing the names of two animated shoeboxes, so he simply referred to them as 'Pinky' and 'Perky'. Skutters weren't like service droids. They were just a bunch of tiny little robotic giraffes that somehow managed to get a better union than the technicians.

It had been over a week since his release from stasis, and the novelty was wearing off. There was no one to boss around. Even if he was second-in-command, it was meaningless without someone to give orders to. He sat on the bench and observed his reflection in the plexiglass dome. He hadn't shaved in two days, and he had some stubble growing on him. Normally, he would've gone mad and shaved straight away, but he just couldn't be bothered. It felt so pointless.

He noticed some movement in the reflection, and he craned his head around to see Kochanski coming up the steps. She made no noise in her hologrammatic state. She awkwardly walked up in her khaki uniform with green cargo trousers and a green cap that was at an awkward angle. She had her hands in her pockets – which made sense, as she couldn't really do anything else with them besides gesture.

"So, here you are," she said quietly.

"So…," Rimmer replied flatly. "Here I am."

She scowled at him. "Does everything you say have to be a sarcastic retort?"

"Couldn't think of a good comeback, eh?"

Avoiding the fact that he was right, she focused on the view instead. "See anything interesting up here?"

Rimmer shrugged. "Just the stars. If you've seen one great big ball of gas suspended in space, you've seen 'em all."

"How poetic."

"Did you _want _something?"

"… Rimmer, we can't float through space doing nothing. We need to start making plans. We need to figure out where we're going or what we're going to do."

"Oh, well, we could just kick back, have the odd drink, eat for a while, take a nap, die in about fifty to sixty years unless I kill myself, but I haven't set anything in stone."

"Rimmer…"

"I'm sorry, ma'am, but what the hell is the bloody point anymore? The crew's dead, you're dead and composed entirely of light, and we're stuck with a senile computer and a self-centered nimrod with a nice suit. Where's the point?"

Kochanski finally snapped. "Rimmer, a hologram I may be, but I am the senior officer on this ship! I am ordering you to get off your backside and help me figure out a course of action!"

Rimmer blinked, startled as he felt some ingrained belief that he should follow all officers and take orders without question. Uncertain of himself, he got to his feet and stood at attention. "Er… yes, ma'am?"

"Good! Now then! Help me figure out a plan of action!"

Rimmer just stared blankly for a few seconds before he realized she was serious. He floundered for a few seconds – he couldn't half-arse this. "Uh… Well, we could… do inventory?"

Kochanski rolled her eyes. "That's just an activity. We need a long-term goal."

Rimmer struggled to think of something else. "We could… We could… Well, there isn't a lot _to _do! Ma'am! I mean, what's the point? The human race is dead! Everyone we ever knew is dead!"

"There's got to be something, dammit!" Kochanski snapped. "I refuse to believe that we're destined to sit around on this floating red trashcan for the rest of your life! I need some sort of direction in my life! Why do you think I became a navigation officer?! I need somewhere to go! I need something to fight towards! And I'll be damned if I let a smart-mouthed, snively, cowardly little ratbag like you get in my way!"

She was so close to him now that she was almost walking through him. Rimmer was surprised to find he could see his reflection in her 'H'.

Where could they go? What was there to see? Who would be waiting for them? What did they have…?

Then, something occurred to him that hadn't before.

"Let's go home," he said out loud.

She looked momentarily thrown by his response. "What?" she asked.

Rimmer shrugged helplessly. "I don't know! You started it!"

"What's 'home', Rimmer?"

"… I don't know. Where else is there, though? Let's turn the ship around and go back. There must be a way of doing that."

Kochanski immediately felt her navigator gene kick in to high drive, and she started thinking, doing the calculations necessary for such a feat. "… It'll take four thousand years just to turn around…"

Rimmer nodded. "Well… there must be another way."

Kochanski looked at him for a long moment. Then she turned and looked outside into deep space. She did what you were supposed to do in the Observation Dome – she observed. She took in all the stars, looking at them carefully. She looked at an asteroid storm off in the distance. She looked at a couple of stray planets that were drifting around with a couple of moons in orbit around them…

Wait… She could feel the beginnings of a plan forming…

Orbit… Planet… She smiled.

"Holly!" she yelled.

There was no response.

"Holly!" she yelled louder.

Finally, a projector on the platform in the middle of the dome flickered into being, and Holly's 3D projection appeared before them like Princess Leia. He was wearing a darling sleeping cap like Ebenezer Scrooge.

"What do you want?" he asked, looking as if he had just woken up. "It's late. I'm jiggered, man."

"You're a computer," Kochanski reminded him. "You don't sleep."

"I can't keep up my full tilt, full power, red hot, maximum pace all the time. I've got to take the odd breather, haven't I?"

"Holly, I have a plan for how to get us back to the Solar System," she said urgently. "That planet over there? Can you navigate us into orbit around it?"

Holly glanced over at the planet in question. "I can give it a go," he said slowly. Then his eyes widened as he realized what she was getting at. "Ohhh… you're suggesting that we go into orbit around the planet to slingshot us back around in the opposite direction."

"Exactly," she said triumphantly. "Will it work?"

Holly tilted his head in shrug. "I'll give it a go," he said. "We can be all the way around the planet in a day or two."

"Thank you, Holly. Get to it," she said firmly.

Holly's projection blinked off, and he vanished, leaving them alone again.

Rimmer broke his silence. "So… we're going back to the Solar System?"

"Correct, Rimmer," Kochanski said smartly, as if her previous outburst had never happened. "Excellent plan. Keep up the good work."

Rimmer's heart soared at the realization that his plan had been approved. He quickly saluted in his own flamboyant style and stood proudly to attention. "Why, thank you, ma'am!" he said eagerly. "Always happy to serve, ma'am."

Kochanski rolled her eyes. "Nobody likes a kiss-arse, Rimmer," she admonished.

Rimmer's smug expression faltered momentarily, and he was about to say something in response when she smirked and winked playfully at him, saluting back normally before turning and walking soundlessly out of the room.

He didn't come down from the dome for a long time, but he continued to stare out at the planet ahead of him. He felt a warm feeling deep inside of him that he hadn't experienced before. Someone was proud of him. He couldn't help but smile slightly.

Then he caught sight of his reflection again and noted his stubble. He had to admit, it made him look rather rugged.


	5. Future Echoes

The Cat slinked down the corridor with a rack of clothes on a trolley. He was dancing along, bumping and grinding the whole way, singing a song and grooving to the beat of his own stylish drummer. "Jump here! Jump back! Waaaaaahh!" he sang. "This little kitty went to stasis… Hey! This little kitty stayed at home… Ooooh!"

He found Rimmer outside the stasis booth. The taller man looked at the rack of clothes incredulously. "What _are _you doing?" he demanded.

"I'm doing what you said do!" Cat replied.

"I said bring a few basic essentials you can't possibly live without!" Rimmer said, holding up his RISK journal as an example.

"Right!" Cat smiled in affirmation. "That's what these are! This and the other ten racks! Travel light! Move fast! Aaough!" And he did a little twirl on the spot.

"You can't pack all of this into vacuum storage! It'll take ages! There's not enough room for all of them!"

Cat's face fell in disappointment. He looked around his suits. He looked up and down the rack in concentration. Finally, he stuck his hand in between two suits and pulled out a silk purple handkerchief. He held it out to Rimmer.

"I'll leave this," he said firmly. "I'll just have to do without it."

Rimmer rolled his eyes in frustration. "For god's sake, just pick your two utmost favorite suits, and that's it."

Cat laughed shortly in disgust. "_Two suits_?! Then I'm staying!"

Rimmer groaned. He was tempted to just tell the stupid moggy to stay here and die on his own, but Kochanski had made him promise. "You can't," he growled through gritted teeth. "By the time I'd come out, you'd be dead."

"Two suits _is _dead!" Cat replied.

Rimmer gave up. He chucked his things into the storage unit and walked away. "Figure it out in the next ten minutes," he ordered.

Cat looked torn. He looked at the suits again. "If I cut off my leg and leave it behind, can I take three?" he called after him.

Rimmer was going to meet with Kochanski one last time before he went into stasis, and then they would reactivate her when they got there. She had been adamant about being brought back once they were just outside the Solar System so she could oversee their arrival.

However, just as he was walking down the corridor the Drive Room, there was a loud explosion that rocked the ship, and he was knocked to the floor was a great flash nearly blinded him.

After a moment, everything returned to normal. He was sore from once again come in harsh contact with the cold metal floor, but now he was nervous that something terrible had happened, so he looked in the direction of the nearest wall monitor.

"Holly, what was that?!" he shouted.

The response was not encouraging. "Er… 9:47 ship time, Arnold."

"No, Holly, the flash! What was the flash?"

"I can't cope! We're traveling at the speed of light. Me bottle's gone!"

Rimmer staggered to his feet. "Holly, what's the matter with you! You're supposed to have an IQ of six thousand!"

"Arnold, we're traveling at the speed of light. That means, by the time we see something, we've already passed through it. Even with an IQ of six thousand, it's still brown trousers time! Oh! Gordon Bennett – that was a close one!"

Rimmer sighed, leaning against the wall. "Where's Kochanski? She's in Navigation. She might be able to help."

Holly shook his head, reasserting his 'cool'. "Nah, it's all right. I'm getting the hang of it. Left a bit. Straighten 'er out. I'd better get to work." His face faded away.

Sighing to himself, Rimmer completed his journey to the Drive Room. The plan had been to get into stasis before they reached light speed, but hopefully going in just after wouldn't be a problem.

Upon walking inside, he saw Kochanski entering from the opposite hatchway. "Right then, Miss Kochanski," he said, saluting her smartly. "I suppose this is it."

Kochanski stared at him. "I'm sorry?"

"Well, this is where we prepare to say our goodbyes before the Cat and I go into stasis."

"Like what?"

Rimmer was thrown by the odd question. "Er… well, like now, when we…"

Kochanski arched an eyebrow. "Rimmer, you have an ability to never go unnoticed."

"I… Well, thanks, I guess, but… Ma'am?"

Kochanski looked weirded out by something. "How the hell should I know? We're in light speed now. Maybe you're hallucinating."

Rimmer screwed his face up in confusion. "What? Ma'am, what am I supposed to be hallucinating?"

"What?"

"What?!"

"I said what?!"

"I know you did! I did, too! What's going on?"

"… You're mad," she said finally, shaking her head, and she proceeded to walk across the room to the opposite hatch.

"_I'm_ mad? You're the one who's…"

Rimmer watched her leave in bemusement, only to turn around and see another Kochanski walk in the opposite hatchway. He wheeled around in surprise, running up against the wall. "Miss Kochanski, ma'am! How… did you do that?" he asked, trying not to look _too _scared shitless.

Kochanski stared at him. "I'm sorry?"

"You just… you just came in through that door, and then it was like… I don't know…"

"Like what?"

"It was like you were talking to someone invisible. You couldn't see me."

Kochanski arched an eyebrow. "Rimmer, you have an ability to never go unnoticed."

"I swear! You started talking to someone who wasn't there, and then you left the room! What's happening?"

Kochanski looked weirded out. "How the hell should I know? We're in light speed now. Maybe you're hallucinating."

"I'm not! I'm… Wait… You said that."

"What?"

"And that!"

"I said what?!"

"Everything you're saying now – that's what you were saying to the invisible man!"

"… You're mad," she muttered, shaking her head and walking past him to the opposite hatchway.

Realizing that the real conversation had been held, Rimmer knew something was up, and he followed her down the hall to the Sleeping Quarters. When they got there, they found the Cat. Both of him.

One Cat was slinking around the room, sniffing at everything he saw, oblivious to everything, while the other Cat was watching him in silent wonder. This one noticed Rimmer and Kochanski and silently noted he didn't have a clue what was happening.

After a moment, the first Cat dissolved into nothing.

Kochanski picked her jaw up off the floor. "What the hell…?"

"I came in here looking for a snack when this impossibly handsome replica of me came in the room and started looking for a fish!" Cat exclaimed.

"Okay, this is getting weird," Rimmer said. "You've both got doubles. Where's mine?"

Kochanski addressed the mirror on the wall. "Holly? I know you're trying to navigate a ship the size a city through speeds hitherto unaccomplished by man, but could you possibly explain what's happening?"

Holly's face appeared on the mirror. He looked a bit frazzled, but he attempted to explain about future echoes. They were going so fast that they were overtaking themselves in time, and they were seeing bits of the future as a result.

As they were talking, Rimmer noticed something appearing in his bunk. "What's this photograph?" he asked.

Kochanski and the Cat both turned to look, and they saw the photo. As he was closest to it, Cat tried to pick it up, but his hand passed through it.

It was a photo of Rimmer, holding twin baby boys in his arms. However, it was clearly from some time in the future, as he was graying at the temples and wearing a blue jacket with black trousers. Someone's finger was in the photo as well, but they didn't recognize it.

After a few moments, it disappeared.

"Two babies…," Kochanski murmured.

"How'd I get two babies?" Rimmer wondered out loud.

They both looked at each other thoughtfully for a moment before turning away from each other in disgust.


	6. The Navicomp

Rimmer was having a chat with one of the dispensing machines. It was having difficulties fulfilling his order. All he had wanted was a chicken sandwich and tea, but it dropped a pair of fishing waders in its receptacle instead. He pulled them out disdainfully.

"Your word recognition software is on the blink," he informed it.

"Why, thank you, sir!" it replied.

"Look, just a chicken sandwich with mayo and a mug of tea. That's all I want from you."

"Couldn't be simpler!"

It dispensed a flaming bunt cake on his foot, and he stomped it out furiously.

"Wonderful," he said, dripping with sarcasm. "I'll have to get the old tool kit out. Three million years into deep space, and I'm still mending vending machines."

He was just on his way down the corridor when he heard an explosion that rocked the ship. Startled, he ran down the corridor towards a stairwell, almost slipping because of the bunt cake remnants on his boot, and after scraping it off on one of the steps, he continued on his way. He got directions from a skutter and hurried to the Drive Room.

When he got there, he found the whole room in one piece, but Kochanski appeared to be in a state of shock, hugging herself and breathing heavily.

"What happened? What was that explosion?" he asked. "Was it another future echo?"

Kochanski could only nod, looking very shaken.

Rimmer realized he would have to proceed carefully. "What was it? Can you tell me?"

It took her a few moments, but eventually, she seemed to find her voice. "… It was Dave…"

"… Lister? Lister was in a future echo? Are you sure it was him?"

"His back was to me, but I recognized his clothes… He had the dreadlocks and everything…"

"… Okay… What was he doing in the future echo?"

"He was fiddling around with the Navicomp, and it blew up and took him with it…"

Rimmer stared. This didn't make any sense. He turned to the giant monitor that took up the fourth wall. "Holly? Lister isn't hiding somewhere on board this ship anywhere, is he?"

Holly appeared on the monitor, bemused by the question. "Arnold, I can confirm that you, Kochanski and the Cat are the only life forms on board this ship," he replied.

"So how come I just saw a future echo where he was killed in an explosion?" Kochasnki snapped angrily.

Holly tilted his head in a shrug. "I dunno. It hasn't happened yet. There's nothing we can do about it."

Rimmer couldn't refute the computer's logic. If it was going to happen, it was clearly going to happen on _Red Dwarf_. They would be aware of it. "Just figures that git would reenter my life at some point," he grumbled. "Just can't get short of him…"

Kochanski stared at him, aghast. "I just saw him die!"

Rimmer sneered. "Silver lining, then."

"… You don't care? The man you shared a room with died horribly, possibly twice, and you don't care?"

"Why not? He never cared two bits for _me_!"

Instinctively, Kochanski went to kick him in the shin, but her foot passed right through him. This just infuriated her even more, and she tried to strangle him out of rage, but her hands merely closed around his neck and clasped together.

Nevertheless, he jumped away, also instinctively, clearly taken aback by her intent. "What was that for?!" he cried.

"Why the hell are you such a heartless bastard?" she snapped.

"Lister was always screwing me over! He was always taking the piss out of me! I was his superior technician, and he never showed me any respect! Why the hell _should _I feel sorry he's dead?"

"He was a human being, Rimmer, and a good one, too. I can't believe how unfeeling you can be!"

"What, you think I don't have feelings?" Rimmer snapped. "You think I don't care that I'm alone in this universe with only _you_ for company?"

"Right, yes, sorry – clearly, you have feelings. You only care about what happens to _you_. You don't care that over a thousand people died horribly for no reason. You don't care that the human race is dead. You don't care that your family and friends are all gone."

"Of course, I don't!" Rimmer yelled. "I hated them! They hated me! It's no skin off my nose! Why the hell should I care what happened to any of them?!"

Kochanski was just about to give a really clever comeback when she realized what he was implying. "… Wait… You hated your family? They hated you? What…?"

Rimmer realized just what he had said and turned away from her, stalking towards the nearest exit. "I'm going into stasis tomorrow morning, _ma'am_. See you in three million years," he said coldly.

Kochanski was left in complete silence. So many things had just happened in the last few hours that she couldn't comprehend them all at once. Cursing to herself, she retreated to her quarters to prepare herself. Whatever was going to happen in the future, she would have to wait for it. For now, she was going to be switched off, and now there was a chance Rimmer wouldn't turn her back on out of spite.

* * *

During the night, she was awoken to the sound of an alarm claxon going off. She sat with her hologrammtic hair frizzed out in a great big cloud of brunette.

"Emergency. Emergency. There's an emergency going on."

"What's going on?" she called out.

"It's the Navicomp. It can't cope with the influx of data at light speed," Holly's voice explained. "We've got to hook it up to the Drive computer and make a bypass. If we don't, the ship will explode in fifteen point three nine six minutes."

"Smeg…," she cursed, getting out of bed. "What the hell am I supposed to do? I'm a hologram! I can't do that myself!"

"I've already alerted Rimmer. He's on his way."

Kochanski blinked. "You're going to get _him_ to do it? The most inept screw-up in all of time and space?"

"He's our only choice. The Cat doesn't care enough to do anything about it. Now come on. Let's go."

Irritated at having been woken up, Kochanski walked out of her room and walked to the lift that took her to the Navicomp Chamber.

When she got there, she saw Rimmer in his pajamas, bathrobe and slippers, bleary-eyed and carrying a large bypass unit that was strapped to the wall for emergencies, like this one. His eyes were watering from the large amounts of acrid smoke pouring from the melting fizzling wires. Their eyes locked as they stood on opposite sides of the corridor.

Realizing he wasn't about to move, she stormed over to him. "Look, Rimmer, I know this is a frightening situation, and we're not exactly on good terms right now, but we need to sort this out right now, or else the ship will blow. Can we work together?"

Rimmer was still staring at her, but there was no contempt in his watery eyes. In fact, he looked downright embarrassed. "Miss Kochanski…," he said slowly. "You're, uh… out of uniform."

Kochanski's eyes widened as she looked down and saw she was only in a slip that left little to the imagination. "Uniform, Holly – _NOW_!" she shouted. She flickered momentarily and reemerged in her khaki uniform. "Now let's get in there!" she snapped, pointing into the smoking chamber.

Rimmer looked into the Navicomp Chamber just in time to see a long thick cable break and swing to the floor, spraying sparks everywhere. Swallowing, he knew that hiding under a table wasn't going to solve everything, so he followed her into the room. They crossed the glass-covered floor and found themselves before the main computer.

Following her instructions, Rimmer proceeded to hook up the bypass to the computer. Opening the flap, he found twelve switches with little red lights next to them.

"Start with the one numbered twelve!" Kochanski instructed him. "Leave a one second gap between each switch!"

Rimmer nodded and flicked the twelfth switch. The light turned green.

The screech of the computer raised an octave.

It continued like that all the way through the next few switches. Eleventh, tenth, ninth, eighth, seventh – it all seemed to be going well. He didn't dare look at Kochanski lest she yell at him for doing it wrong. A monitor over his head suddenly exploded and vomited shards of glass down on him, but he shielded himself with his arm and flipped the fifth switch.

The light didn't turn green. It was red.

"Switch it off! Switch it off!" Kochanski shrieked.

Rimmer quickly did so. He waited two seconds, and then he flipped it again. It was green. He proceeded through the rest, listening to the screaming computer become a soprano.

Finally, they were on the last one. Rimmer closed his eyes, put one finger in his ear and flicked the switch with the other.

It was red. Then it was green. Then red. Then green. It stayed green.

The scream of the computer died away.

Rimmer and Kochanski unplugged their fingers. They looked at each other, stunned into silence. It was over. They were okay.

They couldn't help but laugh with relief.


	7. The Camera

Having just been through such a harrowing experience, they had decided to go down to the bar for a drink. Holly could simulate drinks for Kochanski, so they decided it would be a good final activity before they went into stasis.

"I'll tell Holly to let us back out when _Red Dwarf _is in some sort of danger," she said decisively.

"Good plan," Rimmer said in agreement.

"Well done in there, Rimmer. That was very brave of you."

Rimmer couldn't help blushing. "Oh, well… Didn't have a choice, really. It was either 'be brave' or 'blow up'."

Unable to refute that logic, they made their way to Rimmer's sleeping quarters so he could get his own uniform on, and they came up short when they saw someone resting in the top bunk.

It was Lister.

When he smiled, his age lines crinkled like wrapping paper. He raised his metallic right arm. The hand was a metallic prosthesis, but his little finger was a customized bottle opener, and he used it to open a bottle of self-heating sakè. His white hair was plaited into three-foot long dreadlocks. His right eye was missing, and in its place was a telephoto lens that whistled and clicked as it adjusted in accordance with the left eye.

His watch started beeping, and he flipped a switch on it. He looked vaguely in their direction.

"Dave…?" Kochanski gasped. "You're… How?"

"Hey, Krissie," the future Lister said in a raspy voice. "Hey, Rimmer. I know you're there. Can't see or hear you, but you're both there. I know it."

"How does he know that?" Rimmer asked Kochanski.

"I know it because you told me," the future echo replied, making them jump. "You told me you asked that, Rimmer."

Rimmer blinked. "When? I mean, how…?"

"I can't answer too many questions, but some things need to be cleared up. Kriss – you think you saw me die in a future echo in the Drive Room."

"But I did! You were blown up!"

Future Lister shook his head. "It wasn't me. It was Bexley's boy."

"Who's Bexley?" Kochanski inquired.

Rimmer's eyes widened. "Wait a moment… Lister told me his favorite athlete was the zero-G footballer, Jim Bexely Speed!"

"Got it in one, Rimmer," Lister chuckled. "It was always a dream of mine to name my second son after Jim Bexely Speed."

"Your second son? What were you going to call your first?"

"Jim – after Jim Bexely Speed – but anyway, it wasn't me Kriss saw in the Drive Room. It was Bexely's son."

Kochanski held her head in her hands. "Dave, you became a father? And a grandfather?"

Even in his decrepit state, the older Lister hadn't lost his randy attitude, demonstrated when he waggled his pure white eyebrows. "You bet I did," he grinned. "I couldn't be prouder. Finally got everything I ever wanted."

"But you died in the radiation leak!" Rimmer complained.

"I did."

"… Well, that doesn't really help us much!"

"You need to get down to the medical unit within the next ten minutes," future Lister explained. "Take your camera. There's not much time left."

Rimmer looked confused. "What? Why on Io should I…?"

Kochanski snapped her fingers as she realized. "Rimmer, get the camera! The future echo!"

Finally twigging, Rimmer dug through a drawer and found Lister's old camera.

Kochanski walked closer to Lister. "Dave, please tell me – how are you alive? What happened?"

But the future echo just smiled at her. "Oh, Krissie," he said quietly. "You think _this _is impossible? You ain't seen nothing yet. I'll see ya, kiddeh."

And with one last swig, he slowly disappeared from the bunk.

Rimmer fumbled with the camera. "Come on!" he said. "We've got ten minutes to get down there!"

Kochanski was still looking at the empty bunk, wondering what to do or say about this strange premonition, but as she heard Rimmer's footsteps echoing down the corridor at an alarming rate, she turned and chased after him.

They caught the lift and took it down to the medical unit. They stood in silence, although they were pretty excited. Rimmer fiddled with the camera, figuring out how it worked. It was an antique that still used film. Lister had apparently gotten it from the traveling road show on Miranda on his first planet leave.

Five minutes later, they were on the correct floor, and after nearly three minutes of running, they found themselves in front of the door to the medical unit. There was nothing there, but they were definitely in front of the door from the photograph.

Moments later, there was a huge jolt that knocked them to the floor. Rimmer gathered up the camera, closed the back again, and got to his feet.

"Holly, what's happening?" Kochanski asked.

Holly's frazzled expression appeared on a medi-screen. "We've finally dropped below light speed," he announced triumphantly. "Told you I had it in hand."

"So what'll happen now?"

"Well, now that we're slowing down, the future echoes will be closer to the present, and then time will synch up again. Clear?"

"Yes," Rimmer and Kochanski said together.

"Good. Maybe you'll explain it me one day."

A moment later, the door slid open to the Medi-Unit. Out walked a future echo of Rimmer, graying at the temples, clearly exhausted with dark circles under his eyes, and clearly deliriously happy. In his arms were two infant babies, both of whom were crying their newborn heads off.

"All right, Arnie ol' boy," he said in a surprisingly smooth tone, "I can't see you, you can't see me, yadda-yadda-yadda… I'd like you to meet your two nephews! This is Jim, and this is Bexely! Oh, stop crying and smile for the cameras, boys!"

Future Rimmer held up the boys and smiled happily, and Present Rimmer snapped the picture – _Click!_

They disappeared with the flash.

Rimmer pulled out the slip of paper, and by the time they were back in the lift, there was Rimmer holding two babies.

"Nephews…," he whispered.

Kochanski couldn't help but smile at them. "They're beautiful… _Uncle _Rimmer," she said with a smirk.

Rimmer was breath taken. "They are, aren't they…? Almost wished they were…," but he trailed off before he said the word 'mine'.

She looked at him sympathetically. It was the first time she had ever felt like giving this poor smeghead a hug. He looked so happy and sad at the same time it was ridiculous.

"Maybe one day, you will," she said quietly.

Rimmer bit his lip and remained silent, looking over the various details of the photo.

He almost thought he could see a wedding ring on his finger, but he told himself it was just a trick of the light.


	8. The Nova Five

"So it's not aliens then?" Rimmer asked Holly.

"No, they're from Earth," Holly replied. "Hope they've got some spare odds and sods on board. We're a bit short on a few supplies."

"Like what?" Kochanski asked.

"Well, cow's milk, for a start. Ran out of that yonks ago."

"What kind of milk are we using now?"

"We're on the emergency backup supply. We're on the dog's milk now."

All three crewmembers froze where they stood, a distinct feeling of mutual disgust flooding through their systems.

"Dog's milk?" Rimmer asked balefully.

"Nothing wrong with dog's milk. Full of goodness, full of vitamins, full of marrowbone jelly… Lasts longer than any kind of milk, dog's milk."

"Why's that?"

"No bugger will drink it. Plus, the advantage of dog's milk is that when it goes off, it tastes exactly the same as when it's fresh."

Rimmer and the Cat looked at each other, remember having milk on their cereal that morning. "Why didn't you tell us, Holly?" Rimmer demanded.

"What and spoil your breakfast?"

Everyone groaned.

"Hang on – we've got contact."

"Punch it up."

Holly's visage was replaced with a mechanoid with an angular face and a plastic butler's uniform. "Thank goodness!" he exclaimed. "My name is Kryten. I'm the service mechanoid aboard the _Nova 5_. We've had a terrible accident. Only three officers survived. They are injured but stable. Transmitting medical details now."

Three female faces flitted across the screen, complete with medical faces.

Rimmer and the Cat both looked rather excited now. "They're females," Cat murmured, sniffing the screen. "All of 'em – soft and squidgy!"

Before Kochanski could say anything, Rimmer stepped forward, smoothing out his hair. "Tell them we're coming aboard!" he announced. "By god, we'll rescue these fair blooms or my name's not Captain AJ Rimmer – Space Adventurer!"

Kryten's face returned briefly. "Thank you, Captain Rimmer! We await your arrival eagerly!" he said happily as he dissolved into static.

Kochanski raised an eyebrow at Rimmer. "Space Adventurer? Captain?"

Rimmer tried to look nonchalant. "Well, what was I supposed to say? 'Fear not, I'm the bloke who used to clean the gunk out of the chicken soup machine! Actually, I know sod all about space travel, but if you've got a blocked nozzle, I'm your lad!' That'll have them brimming with confidence, won't it?"

"And the fact that I'm a navigation officer would've meant _nothing _to them?"

"Of course not! But I wanted to make a good first impression!"

Cat ignored them. "Hey, Head! How long before we get there?"

Holly pretended to think about it. "I'd say about twenty-four hours," he said because it sounded good.

"Only twenty-four hours?! I'd better start getting ready! Dibs on the shower room!" he cried, dancing and jiving away. "I'm so excited all six of my nipples are tingling!" And he was gone.

Kochanski glared after him before redirecting her icy eyes at Rimmer. "What is the matter with you two? We're on a mission of mercy. We're bringing them urgently need medical supplies. We're not going down the disco on the pull, got it?"

"Yes, ma'am," Rimmer replied with a placating smile. "You're in charge, ma'am. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to prepare for the fact that I'm the only human man alive and there are women who are alone and vulnerable."

And he raced off in the direction the Cat had gone.

Kochanski shook her head, marveling at how quickly he had been reduced to a randy teenager in just a few short seconds.

She found him the next day coming out of the ship's uniform store. He was wearing an immaculate white officer's uniform, complete with jacket and cap, and he had put some medals on as well.

"Oh my god…," she said, laughing into her hand. "What on Earth do we have here?"

Rimmer looked at her in the mirror he was posing in front of. "Gotta look the part, haven't I?" he smirked.

"Clive of India, I presume?"

"Stop it."

"You invite mockery, Rimmer – you always have."

"Yes, about that – why don't we keep the mockery to a minimum down there, shall we?"

Kochanski arched an eyebrow. They'd been in deep space for two months now, and they'd worked up a perfectly good routine of sniping at each other from time to time. To break that up for the sake of trip to 'totty-land' struck as greatly unreasonable.

Rimmer elaborated. "Look, whenever Lister and I met women, he would also make me look bad so he could look good. We once met two girls from the stores department, and I told them I used to work in the stores, and they were very interested and asked what I did… Lister said I was shelf."

Kochanski chuckled. That was definitely something Lister would say.

"And they laughed at me, and he went off with both of them," Rimmer continued with irritation in his voice.

That sounded like Lister, too. "Oh, come on, Rimmer…"

"He did!"

"I'm sure he did. Look, I promise I'll lay off the insults while we're down there. But once we're back up here, I'm letting lose."

Rimmer bit his lip as he considered. "Okay, fine," he said at last. "… I don't suppose there's any chance you could call me by a fond nickname, could you? Ace? Big Man? Iron Balls?'

Kochanski spluttered with laughter. "Iron Balls?!"

"No good?"

"Very much no good."

Rimmer hung his head, feeling his cheeks reddening. "Yes, well… It always sounded good to me…"

"You're pushing it, Rimmer. You're lucky I'm letting you call yourself 'Captain AJ'."

"Yes, ma'am. Sorry, ma'am."

"You're going to have to 'fess up as soon as we get down there."

Rimmer pouted. "Oh, come on…"

"Mr. Rimmer…," she said authoritatively.

He backpedaled quickly. "Er… I mean… Yes, ma'am! Right away, ma'am!"

"Good. Now let's go get to _Blue Midget _and meet with the Cat."

"Yes, ma'am! Going to _Blue Midget_, ma'am! Right away, ma'am!" he said, saluting smartly and marching off down the corridor for the Landing Gantry.

Kochanski shook her head and followed him. "He is too easy…," she said with a small smile.


	9. Kryten

Rimmer and Cat were sat down in _Blue Midget's _cockpit. Kochanski was issuing instructions as they worked the controls. "Okay, boys, a few ground rules," she announced. "No flirting outside the bounds of polite conversation. Tending to their injuries is the first priority. Rimmer – no Esperanto. You can't speak it, and you're even worse at faking it. Cat – don't have sex with anyone at the dinner table."

"Yes, ma'am," Rimmer grumbled, struggling with the pilot's controls, wishing this ship-to-surface shuttle had been an automatic like _Starbug_. He struggled to put the poor ship into twenty-seventh gear. He preferred automobiles and motorbikes.

Cat was surprisingly helpful with his own control panels, working the switches instinctively, as if he knew which ones would be needed before they were needed. "I make no promises, Officer Bud Babe," he replied smoothly.

"I just want us all to remember that this is a mission to help these people. Trumpeting your sperm count needs to come secondary to that."

Holly appeared on the monitor. "All right, dudes – we're nearly there. I'll help you bring 'er around, Arnold."

"Thanks, Hol," Rimmer replied gratefully.

Kochanski squinted at Holly's face. Something was different. "Holly, what on Earth is that?"

"What? What is it?"

"Oh my god, you're wearing a toupee!"

"What toupee?"

"The one on your head!"

"Whose head's that then?"

"Holly, get rid of it! That's an order! You're a computer! Who're you trying to impress?"

Holly looked embarrassed. He un-corrupted his image, causing the offending rug to fade away. "Just wanted to look my best," he said awkwardly.

"Don't feel bad, Holly," Rimmer sighed. "If there were a handsome hunk of male cosmonaut down there, you can bet she'd be asking you to give her a low-cut blouse with lace undergarments and a tasteful blonde undercarriage."

Kochanski gasped in shock at Rimmer's remarks and tried to slap the back of his head, but alas, her hand passed through, and he remained unaware.

* * *

Eventually, they finally brought the ship in for a landing alongside. Rimmer and Cat donned their spacesuits and made their way down the embarkation ramp, following Kochanski's lead. They made their way across the icy crater and soon arrived in the airlock.

They were greeted by the angular-faced mechanoid, Kryten. His lipless mouth crinkled into a plastic smile as he let them in. "Oh, hello!" he exclaimed pleasantly. "How wonderful to meet you! I'm Kryten – we spoke on the view screen."

"Pleasure to meet you, Kryten," Kochanski said pleasantly, nodding in lieu of a handshake. "Navigation Officer Kristine Kochanski."

"Oh, hello, ma'am! The pleasure's all mine," he replied before addressing Rimmer. "Ah! Captain Rimmer!"

Rimmer winced, shaking the mechanoid's hand. "Er, Second Tech Rimmer, actually," he found himself admitting. "But due to the fact that it's just the three of us, we're fairly lax with the regulations, _aren't we_, Miss Kochanski, ma'am?"

She smirked, relieved he wasn't maintaining any illusions he was in charge. "Indeed, Mr. Rimmer," she said smoothly before introducing the third member of their party. "And this is the Cat. He's… a cat."

"Indeed? Fascinating! Delighted to meet you, Mr Cat!"

Cat flashed a winning smile. "Glad to be here, Bud! Where're the ladies?"

"This way, please."

They followed the mechanoid up the incline of the crashed ship.

"Thanks for going along with it, Miss Kochanski," Rimmer whispered gratefully, relieved the spacesuit disguised how overdressed he was. "And… I'm sorry about the crack in _Blue Midget_."

Kochanski smirked. "Not to worry, Rimmer. I'll just make you lag the sewers with your toothbrush when we get back," she replied pleasantly.

Rimmer squeezed his eyes shut. "… Yes, ma'am," he grunted.

Naturally, she wasn't going to hold him to it. She just wanted to see if he'd try to weasel out of it.

They walked along, chatting with Kryten and dragging the Cat away from a mirror. It was a nice enough ship, light years ahead of anything _Red Dwarf _had, although the engines on the Duality Jump Drive had been totaled in the crash beyond repair.

However, the biggest shock was when they came into the galley and found three smiling skeleton all dressed up in women's clothes seated around the table.

Rimmer's smile never fell, but his entire face sagged. Kochanski's hands went to her mouth in horror. Cat was the picture of disappointment.

Only Kryten seemed cheerful, although he seemed concerned by their reactions. "Well? Isn't anyone going to say 'hello'?"

Kochanski looked at him incredulously, throwing a questioning glance at Rimmer, who merely shrugged helplessly. "Er… Hello!" she said awkwardly. "I'm… Kriss… This is the Cat… And he's Ace."

Rimmer glared at the back of her head.

Kryten smiled, placated. "Well, I'll leave you to get acquainted," he said happily, making the climb up the slanted floor to the galley in the next room.

Cat flashed a winning smile at the nearest skeleton. "Hi, baby!"

"Oh my god," Kochanski murmured.

"I don't believe this," Rimmer groaned. "Our first intelligent contact in three million years, and it's the android version of Norman Bates!"

Kochanski hugged herself, trying to remain calm. "You don't think…"

"Think what?"

"You don't think… _he_… killed them, do you?"

Rimmer boggled. "What? Him? The droid who's been dressing up and probably bathing a bunch of skeletons like this for god knows how long? Of course he did it! Let's get out of here!"

Cat stayed put. "Okay, so they're a little on the skinny side…," he protested.

"Rimmer, get back here! That's an order!"

There was a brief pause, and then Rimmer nervously walked back into the room.

"We don't know if he killed them. I was just extemporizing. We can't leave until we know what happened here."

"Why not?"

"Because… Oh, I don't know! We just need to figure this out! We can't just up and leave!"

At that moment, Kryten came waddling back in with a trolley carrying tea and sandwiches. He was already pouring the third cup when he realized no one was speaking. He looked at the apparently disturbed people staring at him incredulously from the other end of the table. "… Is anything the matter?" he asked casually.

Rimmer's incredulity only increased. "Anything the matter? They're dead!"

"Who's dead?"

"They. Are. Dead. They're all dead."

Kryten looked at the three skeletons and backed away in horror. "My god…! But I was only away two minutes!"

"They've been dead for centuries!"

"Are you a doctor?"

"You've only got to look at them! They've got less meat on them than a chicken nugget!"

Kryten stammered, horrified by what was happening. "B-b-but what am I going to do? I'm programmed to serve them!"

"Well, maybe we could bury them…," Kochanski suggested.

"You're _that _sure they're dead?"

"Yes!" Rimmer snapped in exasperation.

Kryten pointed to the brunette skeleton. "What about this one?"

Rimmer finally took center stage. "Okay, you know what? There's a very easy test we can try." He addressed the skeletons. "All right, girls! Hands up all of you who are alive!"

Kryten eagerly waved on all the skeletons, but they didn't budge.

Rimmer sighed. "Okay?"

The mechanoid looked so small and lost in that moment. He looked forlornly amongst the dead crew. "I… don't know what… I mean… That is to say… I failed them so badly… I just thought…"

Finally, he gave up on speaking and just cleared a small section of the dining table, and to their surprise, he took out a small screwdriver and used to disconnect his other arm.

"What are you doing?" Kochanski asked in alarm.

"They're dead. I have no purpose now. I was programmed to serve them. Now the program is complete. I must terminate myself."

"No! Stop! Wait a minute!" But she was powerless to stop him. She looked over at Rimmer, who was looking rather bored now, and Cat, who was now eating the food. "One of you! Stop him!"

Rimmer looked confused. "Why? What's the point?"

"Well, we can't just let him shut himself down! Not like this!"

"How else should he do it?"

Cat finally spoke up. "This is good chicken, man!"

"Oh, thank you, sir," Kryten replied as he set his arm down and proceeded to unscrew his head. "I used an old Caribbean recipe. I'm glad you like it."

Rimmer shrugged. "Well, that raised his spirits. Shall we…?"

She glared at him.

"No, then?"

"Rimmer, stop him, and that's an order."

Rimmer groaned unhappily, but in his own warped way of thinking, he figured he had no choice in the matter. He walked over to the mechanoid as he continued to disassemble himself, setting the head down on the table.

"Kryten…," he said, talking at first to the still-working body, and then addressing the head on the table. "Kryten, there's no need for this."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Rimmer, sir," he sighed. "I am now surplus to requirement. My power supply would only drain the much-needed battery power."

"Well, who needs it? We're not staying, and _they _certainly don't need it."

"… True, I suppose…"

"Look, Kryten, you're programmed to obey and do menial tasks. Well, good news – we've got _plenty _of menial tasks on _Red Dwarf_. Why don't you come with us?"

Kryten's remaining arm stopped disassembling himself, and the eyes in his disembodied head rolled in Rimmer's direction. "Sir? Come with you? But I… I really shouldn't…"

Rimmer rolled his eyes in frustration. "Look, you can either sit here in pieces and rot with your shipmates, or you can come with us and mop the floors and make us tea. What's it going to be?"

Kochanski sighed. "You're not cut out for writing greeting cards, are you, Rimmer?"

He scowled at her, but Kryten was clearly considering it. "Well…," his head said. "I… I suppose that does sound like a nice enough offer… I do enjoy cleaning and cooking… it's great fun…"

Rimmer felt the beginnings of a grin form on his face. "So what do you say?"

A few seconds later, the single arm started putting Kryten's bits and bobs back together, and within half an hour, he was back together again and heading back to acquire his spare parts and various knickknacks, not to mention his complete collection of a soap opera, _Androids_.

"Happy now?" Rimmer sneered at Kochanski.

She sneered back in response. "Come on. We're going to start salvaging whatever we can from this ship. Holly – how long do you think that'll take?" she asked into the wristwatch Rimmer was wearing.

"If we get all the _Starbugs _and _Blue Midgets _working at full pelt, about a month," Holly replied.

"Good. Let's get to work. First things first – cow's milk. Let's find the damn stuff."


	10. Hologram Squared

Rimmer had the dog's milk flushed out into space to make room for the two hundred thousand gallons in the _Nova 5's _massive fridge. The salvage operation took a little longer than a month, but they managed to transfer plenty of supplies in the various transporter ships. It was difficult, as the Cat only helped sporadically, and Kryten was something of a gibbering mess, but he was happy to help out on _Red Dwarf_. The skutters did there best under Kochanski's supervision, but Rimmer was pretty much on his own.

One thing he thought was interesting in the back of the ship. It was a hologram simulation suite! Curious, he went the ten discs that made up the crew of the _Nova 5_, and he tried inserting them into the drive, but they were all corrupted in some way due to damages sustained in the crash. None of them were useable.

Still, the suite was still serviceable, so he added it to the list of things to be salvaged. With an extra suite running, it would be possible for _Red Dwarf _to activate a second hologram. He didn't know who they would get, but he figured if there were ever an emergency where they needed a specific crewmember, they would have the option of nabbing the necessary disc and booting them up. Pocketing a plastic bag full of light bees, he carried on his way, whistling jauntily.

Finally, forty-two days after being rescued, Kryten was beginning to settle in. He found he enjoyed his new home, and cleaning it was something he found he received orgasmic pleasure from. The whole place hadn't been cleaned in millennia, so he had his work cut out for him. He went about his business, happy and cheerful, preparing meals and looking after the tedious jobs that not even the skutters could bear to do.

The salvage operation was completed, and they put everything they didn't need immediately in the cargo hold while the food stocks were replenished.

Kochanski collapsed into her hologrammatic bed with a happy sigh. The job was done. She was just going to sleep when she noticed the lights dimming momentarily, and then they came back on again. She sighed heavily and sat up. "Holly? What was that?"

Holly's face appeared in her mirror. "Rimmer and Kryten are hooking up the new hologram simulation suite. We had to use the _Nova 5's _power source to do it, but the conversion to hydrogen power was pretty straightforward. The hard part was deciding what color to paint the sign."

Kochanski stared at the computer in surprise. "Wait, what? Really?"

"Oh, yeah. I said it should be a calm soothing ocean gray, but Rimmer insisted on military gray."

"No, no, no, I mean – we've got a second hologram projector?"

"Brought it up from the _Nova 5_. It's a beauty. They're just finishing hooking everything up."

In an instant, Kochanski was legging it furiously to the lift. She spent the whole trip up tapping her foot soundlessly on the floor and unaware of anything, save for the changing numbers as she passed through each floor.

At last, she was leaping out of the doors and running all the way down, eventually passing several skutters who were all working in some way – some of them even wearing miniature hard hats. They whistled and chirped at her respectfully as they went, carrying tools, pieces of plastic or metal in their little claws.

She found Rimmer and Kryten in the main room. To her surprise, it looked good. She couldn't believe it. The hologram simulation suite was in excellent condition, set up perfectly with the large platform in the middle and all the various screens hooked up. Kryten was up on a stepladder, seeing to some cables running through the ceiling, and Rimmer was using a sonic screwdriver on some metal plating that covered the control panel.

"Rimmer…?" she asked slowly.

He looked up at his name. He promptly stood to attention and gave her the Full Rimmer salute – five hand rotations. "Miss Kochanski, ma'am!" he said eagerly, looking like a six-year-old boy who'd been building a lego set for his parents to see. "Just hard at work on the simulator – aren't we, Kryten?"

"Indeed we are, ma'am," Kryten agreed. "We should be done in time for me to prepare supper."

Kochanski couldn't fight the gigantic smile that threatened to split her face. "I can't believe it… We can upload a second hologram! This is great!"

Rimmer nodded as he resumed putting the control panel together. "Yes, ma'am. I thought it'd be a handy thing to have during emergencies and we need someone to help us and…"

"I can get him back."

Rimmer and Kryten looked up from their work in confusion. "Get who back?"

Kochanski realized she's said that out loud, and she looked momentarily embarrassed. "Oh, just… someone…"

"Who?"

"Just… someone special… Rimmer, you have to understand. I'm dead. I'm practically a ghost. Can't eat, can't touch, can't smell, can't even hold up a book without a skutter to hold it up for me. I'd like… a companion… Someone who understands…"

Rimmer had to admit, if he were in her position, he'd probably yearn for the same thing. He mulled it over for a moment, trying to think of the appropriate reply. "I think I understand…," he said at last.

"Do you?"

"You need someone to bonk."

Her face reddened. "Rimmer!"

Kryten finally spoke up. "Well, that's hardly unusual, ma'am. Even in a hologrammatic state, it's possible to feel all the strange hormonal yearnings you felt when you were alive. It's all down to those hologrammatic replicators copying every single brain pattern. Personally, I much prefer folding sheets."

Rimmer rolled his eyes. "So who's the lucky fella?" he asked dryly.

Kochanski's expression turned shy. "Well… I was thinking… my old boyfriend."

"Oh… Oh. _Oh_… Him… You mean…?"

"Yes, I do. I don't care what you think of him. I miss him, and I want to be with him again. This is my big chance to make it work."

Rimmer shook his head. "Okay, okay… We'll make it happen. But only because you outrank me."

She smiled triumphantly. "Good. Holly – prepare the hologram simulation disc of Catering Officer Timothy Duncan."

That brought Rimmer up short. He looked at her in surprise. "Timothy… Oh! Okay! Right, yes, of course! Sorry! I thought… Never mind!" And with great relief, Rimmer resumed work on the projection unit.

Kochanski regarded him strangely for a moment before realizing what he meant and looking a bit embarrassed herself. She turned and walked away, relieved that she had been specific in her request.

It all went as Kryten had predicted. The whole thing was done and over with before supper. Rimmer found the working on vending machines for years had done him well, and as a result, he recognized a lot of the circuitry that went into making this thing.

Supper came and went fairly uneventfully. The crew had come to enjoy Kryten's cooking, and Rimmer and Cat ate heartily while Kochanski watched, stewing with jealousy. Sure, she knew it couldn't be helped, but she had to just sit there and watch them chew. To make it worse, Rimmer and Cat didn't particularly like each other, so they ate in silence, so there was no conversation to latch onto to distract herself.

Finally, it was time to bring him back. Kryten took one of the light bees Rimmer had taken from the _Nova 5 _and set it down on the projection platform. "It's all set, ma'am," he announced. "Suggest we stand back and give him some room."

Rimmer and the Cat both took some cautious steps backwards, Kochanski stayed where she was. "I want to be the first thing he sees," she said eagerly, practically bouncing up and down.

Cat couldn't help but shake his head. "Man, you monkeys are so damn possessive when it comes to romance."

"I suppose with cats, it's different," Rimmer sneered.

"Damn right! You know how long a cat relationship lasts? Three minutes! First minute's great. Second minute, you're starting to feel trapped. Third minute, you can't remember what you saw in them and gotta get the hell outta there!"

Holly spoke up. "Right – hologram simulation in progress. Here he comes."

The light bee slowly floated unsteadily off the ground. Everyone watched in silent wonder as a cascade of multi-colored pixels spewed from it and curled around what appeared to be an invisible man, and once they had all bound themselves to the 3D structure, which took the shape of a human man. The clothing took form first – standard Space Corps khaki uniform – leaving a blank white body wearing them.

"That's him?" Cat asked, confounded. "He's got no face!"

"That's just how a hologram looks before the personality has been added," Holly explained. "Loading personality files now."

Bit by bit, the blank palate was replaced with a man's face. His eyes were shut, but his eyebrows twitched every so often, indicating the onslaught of memories pouring into his noggin.

"Upload complete," Holly announced. "Catering Officer Timothy Duncan is now online. Try not to walk through him."

With a harsh gasp, Tim's eyes sprang open. He looked around in startled wonder, before taking in the people before him. He saw Kochanski and looked terribly confused. "Kris? What…?"

"Hello, Tim," she said with a small smile.

As they continued to gaze at each other, they were oblivious to the fact that Rimmer, Cat, Kryten and Holly were all staring at them.

"I think he looked better without a face," Cat said with a shrug, "but that's just me."

Rimmer was inclined to agree, however. He recognized Tim.

* * *

**Author's Notes: **_Did they ever give Tim's last name? I couldn't find it, so I made one up._


	11. Domestic Issues

It had been two weeks since Tim had been brought back as a hologram, and he and Kochanski had picked up their relationship where they'd left it before the accident. As a result, the others seldom saw her.

Tim had taken a couple days to get used to everything. The whole being dead and three million years from home thing had been a bit of a letdown, but with Kochanski to 'comfort' him, he was able to get over it fairly quickly. They were constantly in her quarters, having sex.

Rimmer was grumbling in his sleeping quarters one afternoon, reading a book he'd found in the library when the Cat skated in on some rollerskates, carrying a bouquet of plastic flowers in one hand and a megaphone in the other.

"Attention, lady cats! I am feeling very sexy! Please form a queue! No pushing and shoving!" he announced, doing a perfect twirl in the process. He looked around, but he only saw an irritated Rimmer glaring at him. "What? No girls here? What a waste of a good move! For shame! I'm looking so _dangerous_, too!" And he proceeded to jig away.

"Cat, what the hell are you doing?" Rimmer demanded.

"I'm _courting_," Cat replied in a gentlemanly voice.

"Courting who?"

"Whoever shows up!"

"But there aren't any other cats on board."

"If I believed that for one second, I'd go crazy!"

"… You're not now?"

Cat glared at him and proceeded to skate for the door. "Hey, you think Officer Bud Babe would want to go for twofer? Her boyfriend, Goalpost Head, might step out for a moment…"

Rimmer smirked momentarily at the nickname 'Goalpost Head' for Tim before responding, "She's a hologram, Cat. She hasn't got a body for you to have sex with."

"Damn… She looks like she might be able to show someone a good time. Goalpost Head sure seems to have a good time."

"Well, he's a hologram, too. They can touch each other, but nothing else."

Cat shrugged. "Well, I'd better get going. I'm determined to find myself some lady cats."

"There are no cats. If there were, wouldn't you be able to smell them?"

"You never know. Sometimes, lady cats disguise their scent. My mother used to do that with my father all the time." And with that, he spun around on his skates and danced out of the room. "Owwwww! Yeah-yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!"

Rimmer shook his head as he returned to his book. He didn't really care all that much about Kochanski and Tim having sex. It was just annoying that it was all they ever did. Granted, as holograms trapped in deep space, there wasn't much for them to do. They were rarely apart, and they were rarely fully dressed. There was always something going on with them. He couldn't help but feel left out. With the two of them always together, he was forced to rely on Cat, Kryten and Holly for company. Cat was an imbecile, Kryten only liked cleaning and Holly was either too busy or too slow to have a conversation.

He looked around his sleeping quarters. Lister's things were still where they were. He was tempted to just put them in vacuum storage and move his things to a single room. Perhaps that was something he needed to do – get a fresh start. He would find another quarters to sleep in. Maybe something on the Officer's Deck. After all, who was going to stop him? It might be nice. He put his book away for later and left to go find Kryten to help him.

"Oh, I'd be happy to help you, sir," Kryten said eagerly. "Did you have a room in mind?"

"Not yet. Probably a single bunk. Nothing too extravagant. I was going to shop around a bit. For now, my old bunkmate's belongings are just sitting around. Could you make a start on putting them away into vacuum storage while I do some sightseeing?"

"Right away, sir."

"Thank you. Be sure to tell Kochanski where I am, if she asks, which she probably won't, but whatever."

Kryten looked concerned. "If you don't mind a mere mechanoid making an observation, sir, it seems you and Miss Kochanski are drifting apart lately since we reactivated Mr. Duncan."

Rimmer shrugged. "Yes, well, they're in a relationship now, Kryten. You know about relationships, right?"

"Oh, yes, sir. A relationship is the way in which two or more concepts, objects or people are connected, or the state of being connected."

"… Right, well… Kochanski and Tim have entered a sort of… interconnecting… They're having sex, is what I'm trying to say. It's a sort of private thing – unless you're from Mimas. They have a religion based on public bonking."

Kryten nodded in understanding. "Do you wish to pursue an interconnecting relationship with Miss Kochanski, sir?"

Rimmer's disgust was demonstrated by his scrunched up lips and his flared nostrils. "No, god no. She's a superior officer and a pain in the arse."

"Then what is the problem?"

"The problem is that damn Tim. I remember him from before the accident."

"Oh? What was he like?"

"He used hang out in the Officer's Club, smoking those black cigarettes. Such a phony! And what the hell is a 'Catering Officer'?! He's a chef! A white-hatted ponce! That's not a real officer!"

"It outranks _you_, sir," Kryten pointed out.

Rimmer glared at him. "I just don't like him. Just one of the many people who used to look down on me, brought back from the dead to haunt me."

"But he hardly ever bothers you, sir. He and Miss Kochanski are constantly indulging in their interconnecting relationship."

Rimmer squirmed. "Don't remind me. I don't know what she sees in him. Come on. Let's get started on getting me to my new quarters."

While this was going on, they didn't know that Kochanski and Tim were having some trouble of their own.

Kochanski was in heaven. This was the happiest she'd been in years. She was finally in the arms of the man of her dreams, snuggling up alongside of him, breathing in his simulated scent. It had been a wonderful two weeks of dancing, sex, eating hologrammatic meals, sex, laughing, sex, watching films, sex, listening to classical music, sex and, of course, sex. She was happier than ever. She looked over at her lover and saw him staring up at the ceiling, evidently lost in thought, sweat on his forehead. She smiled and laid her head down on his bare chest, ready to give anything to know what he was thinking.

She didn't realize the beads of sweat weren't from their latest round. They were from anxiety and claustrophobia. The reality of the situation was beginning to weigh in on him. The only things he could touch were other holograms. Kochanski was the only woman he would ever be able to be with. Something about that just terrified him. He was trapped with only one woman. This was it. This was all he would ever have now. They were pretty much frozen in a single moment with the same woman over and over again – never getting older because they were dead.

It was preying at his mind. He couldn't make it stop. He knew this was sick and wrong, but then again, wasn't the whole situation? How was she not going mad from this? How was he falling apart while she took the whole thing in stride?

He was weak. That's all there was to it. She was stronger than he was. She was a no-nonsense stand-up-for-herself woman who could pull her own chair out, open her door and pay for the entire meal herself. Perhaps that was what had driven him away from her initially when they were still alive. He had been attracted to a woman who acted like what he thought a woman should act like. In his warped sense of reasoning, he felt the way for a woman to act like a woman was to make him feel like a man.

He glanced at her again. She was asleep, snuggled up to him with a big smile on her face. It should've made him feel wonderful. He wanted to throw up. He was stuck with her.

There was only one way out.


	12. Facing Deletion

His move into the new single bunk had been a great success. Rimmer marveled at the single bed carved into the wall. The whole place was a soothing white, looking mostly made of plastic, with a great big monitor in the wall, a much bigger table, a shower, a Frigidaire built into the wall next to a microwave and sink. The whole place had a much more uplifting vibe than the old military gray quarters.

Or was it ocean gray? He couldn't really remember anymore.

Pleased with himself, he put his books away on the shelves the lined his bunk and climbed into it, pleased to finally get a chance to read a bit.

Imagine his disappointment when he heard someone clearing their throat.

"Oh, what now?!" he groaned, slamming the book down and looking up at the intruder.

It was Tim, who was looking more than a little perturbed the outburst.

"Oh…," Rimmer said, surprised. "It's you."

"Rimmer," Tim replied shortly.

"… Well, what do you want?" Rimmer just couldn't bring himself to be respectful of a chef, even if he technically _did _outrank him.

Tim fidgeted with his uniform. "Er… I… need your help with something."

"Get the skutters to do it for you. I'm not turning pages for you, nor am I holding doors or changing channels for you."

"Rimmer…"

"And you can doodle your own pornographic doodles, for all I care…"

"Rimmer, I need you to switch me off."

Rimmer sat up in his bunk, uncertain he'd heard correctly. "What?! Switch you off?" he asked, trying not to look _too _thrilled.

"Yes, please."

"Oh, I don't know… Okay! Hologram simulation suite – here we come!"

Rimmer eagerly headed for the hatchway, not even finding it odd that Tim was behaving in such a strange manner. He led the way down the corridor, smiling cheerfully.

Kryten was mopping a floor along the way. He looked up and saw the two of them walking along.

"Morning, Krytie!" Rimmer said, waving merrily.

"Oh! Good morning, Mr. Rimmer, sir! Good morning, Mr. Duncan, sir! Where are you two off to?"

"To turn him off! See you at lunch!"

Kryten double-took. "Turn him off? But why, sir?"

Tim looked awkward. "Er… It's a long story…"

Rimmer tried to keep the hologram from stopping. "No need to bore us with details. Come on. Time's a-wasting!"

"I just can't do it anymore," Tim found himself saying. "I can't keep pretending I want this – that I want _her_! This whole wretched existence is driving me _crazy_!"

Rimmer sighed as the other man stopped, meaning this much-needed deletion would be delayed slightly.

"Whatever do you mean, sir?" Kryten asked.

Tim sighed. "… You don't know what it's like being dead… To have no options… To only be with one woman _forever_… We might as well be married!"

Rimmer and Kryten exchanged glances. They were beginning to get where this was going.

"I can't stand it anymore," Tim continued mournfully. "She's a nice girl, but she's got me cornered. The first week was great! Just the sensations we shared… But during this second week, I've started to think ahead…"

Rimmer remembered something the Cat had told him yesterday. "You're starting to feel trapped."

"Exactly! And now… I can't do it another _day_, let alone a _third week_! I need to be switched off! I actually find nonexistence preferable to staying here any longer!"

Kryten fretted. "B-b-but sir, what about Miss Kochanski? How does she feel about this?"

Tim blinked, and then he had the good grace to look sheepish.

Rimmer realized. "You didn't tell her. You're trying to escape without having to tell her you don't love her and breaking her heart."

An affirmative nod caused Rimmer's expression to darken.

"I knew I didn't like you," he said. "I knew there was a credible reason not to like you. And now I know what it is – you're a spineless, gutless, gormless, cowardly pile of smeg." He paused for a moment. "You're just like me," he finished quietly.

There was a long moment as the two men stared at each other, with Kryten looking awkwardly between them.

"What are you going to do?" Tim asked.

Rimmer thought about it. He knew this was how he would handle the situation – running away when no one was looking so he wouldn't have to face it. That was okay for him, but he knew it wasn't how this situation could be resolved.

"I'm not going to do anything," he replied evenly. "_You_, however, are going to march back to your quarters, and you're going to tell Kochanski you're going to shut yourself off."

Tim visibly blanched. "No. You can't make me! I outrank you!"

Rimmer raised an eyebrow at him. "Oh, really?" And with a guess, he reached inside of Tim's hologrammatic torso and wrapped his fingers around his light bee, causing his image to momentarily flare up and crackle with interference. "Come on, you," he growled, and he effortlessly dragged his 'superior' down the corridor.

"Hey! Stop that! Let go of me!" Tim shouted.

But Rimmer wordlessly hauled him to the lift, slapping the call button and stepping inside, activating the control to take them to the floor with Kochanski's quarters. Tim attempted to voice command the lift to stop, but Rimmer put in an override to prevent him from doing this. "The privileges of being a technician," he explained smugly. "Got all the codes to every lift onboard."

Tim could only hang his head, thoroughly humiliated.

They finally arrived, and this time, Rimmer didn't need to drag Tim anywhere. He simply led the way to Kochanski's quarters down the corridor. When they got there, Rimmer didn't even touch the door control. He simply stood aside and let Tim walk up to it.

"Open," Tim ordered.

The doors slid apart, and Tim walked inside, finding Kochanski already there, smiling at him cheerfully. He then ordered the doors to close behind him, and Rimmer walked away, completely uninterested in hearing any of the conversation to follow. He could already guess most of it.

He made the long walk back to the lift and rode it down to the Drive Room, wherein he sat in one of the swivel chairs and watched an old film. He normally didn't like films, but he decided he needed something to distract him. He took in a war documentary, but he wasn't really into it. He kept wondering why he had done such a thing to what was technically a superior officer.

Part of his mind told him it was just wonderful to get some revenge on someone who looked down on him. It told him that the guy was a jerk anyway, and it served him right. Another part of his brain asked him why he hadn't just helped him do the cowardly thing. After all, it was something Rimmer himself would probably do in such a situation – run away.

But then, Rimmer had never been in love, or a relationship for that matter, so he really didn't know just _what _he would do. If he ever met the girl of his dreams, how would he end up treating her? Would he chicken out if the relationship ever got serious? How would he handle a breakup?

It was just another thing he would never find out. He was alone in deep space, and he had no say in the matter.

Eventually, he sensed someone was in the room with him, and he turned around in his seat to find Kochanski walking through the southern hatchway. He ordered the video to pause as he stood to attention.

"Ah, Miss Kochanski, ma'am!" he said, quickly throwing her a salute. "How… er… how has your day been?"

Kochanski just glared at him. "As if you didn't know," she replied icily.

Rimmer swallowed. "Well… how did it go, if I may ask?"

"I switched him off."

"… Ah… Are you… okay?"

Her expression assured him that she was not.


	13. Opening Up

The weeks that followed were tense to say the least.

Kochanski was noticeably grumpier, bossier and decidedly less easy to put up with. The others were still uncertain as to just what had been said between her and Tim to put her in such a mood, but they were certain that it had been very much not pretty.

Rimmer was certain that if he just left her alone that she would eventually get over it and equilibrium would be restored, but so far, it was clear that it wasn't. One night, he decided to get away from it all and went up to the Observation Dome for some stargazing. He found he actually enjoyed it quite a bit.

He caught the lift and traveled up to the top floor. He pulled open the hatchway and made his way up the curved stairs to the circular room.

Imagine his surprise when he found Kochanski already there, glaring at him from the bench.

"Ah…," he stammered. "Miss Kochanski, ma'am… How are you?"

"Rimmer, what do you want?" she demanded.

"Er… I was just going to… enjoy some peace… and quiet…"

"… Fine. Don't let me stop you. Have a seat."

Rimmer swallowed, briefly weighing his options. "Er… no, that's all right. I'll just clear off and leave you to it," he said awkwardly, reversing his way back down the stairs.

"Sit, Rimmer. That's an order."

Rimmer gritted his teeth, trying to fight his inbuilt need to follow every single order given to him. He lost miserably and sat down pathetically on the bench opposite her, trying to not look at her by looking straight up at the stars.

They sat in a very tense silence for about four minutes before someone said something.

At last, Rimmer stretched and got up to leave. "Well, that was fun! Think I'll come back next year…," he said quickly, making for the exit.

"Rimmer, sit. That's an order."

He froze where he stood. "Why?" he found himself asking.

"Because… I don't know. I guess I just liking you squirm."

"Well thank you _very _much," Rimmer grumbled, sitting down again, crossing his arms like a petulant child. "So if you want me to stay, what do you propose we do?"

"… What is it about love that makes it so god damn important?"

Rimmer was thrown by the question, but he had an answer. "Well, I'm not the one who was stupid enough to fall in love with someone in the first place," he snapped irritably. "Love is just a device invented by bank managers so we'll always be overdrawn, and I'm happy to say I've never let myself fall for it."

Kochanski looked at him incredulously. "What the hell happened to you that made you think like _that_?"

"Simply common sense. It's your own fault. Tim was a smeghead from beginning to end. Anyone could've seen it. Hell, even _Lister _could probably tell what a phony that guy was."

Kochanski sighed. "Oh, for a simpler life… I actually envy you right now, Rimmer. No emotions, no feelings, no one ever gets to you…"

Rimmer blinked. He didn't say it out loud, but that got to him. He sat in silence for a moment. "Well…," he said at last. "I… Yeah, I guess…"

Kochanski could tell from his downcast expression that she'd struck a nerve, and now she felt guilty. She'd said what she'd said out of spite. She could tell that Rimmer's cynicism was a front. Anyone could. He was just a sad and pathetic and lonely man who had never known the love of a woman and now probably never would. She couldn't help but feel a little sorry for him.

"I'm sorry, Rimmer," she sighed, rubbing her eyes. "It's just that… I was ready to give him everything. I thought that he would change for me…"

Rimmer snorted at that. "Well, that didn't work out," he sneered. "Look, ma'am, if you don't mind me saying it, you really need to wake up. Tim was a complete twit. He abandoned you when you were alive for another woman, and then, as soon as _she _dumped _him_, _you _went crawling back to him! What in the world were you thinking?"

"I just thought that…," she started automatically before remembering that she outranked him and clamped her mouth shut. "It doesn't matter. I guess I was just hoping that with everyone else dead, he'd just…"

"Feel forced to stay with you? Oh, _that's _healthy."

She had nothing to say to that.

They sat in silence for a few more minutes. Rimmer couldn't help but feel smug about the whole affair. He'd known from the start that Tim was trouble, and he'd been proven right. Still, there was a small part of him that couldn't help but feel sorry for Kochanski. She'd put everything on the line for this guy, and he'd let her down. He knew how that felt. His family had put him through enough of that…

But he wasn't up for sharing that right now.

"Well…," he managed at last. "People suck, don't they?"

This got a brief laugh out of her. "I suppose… Most of them, anyway."

"We still have the second hologram unit," he continued. "If you wanted to upload someone else – maybe a friend you had – I guess it would be okay."

She thought for a brief moment before crinkling her nose and shaking her head. "Rimmer, if I can be totally honest with you – being a hologram is hell. You can't touch, can't eat, can't smell… You have to rely on the skutters for everything… I just couldn't put someone else through this. It wouldn't be right."

Rimmer looked at her for a long moment. "So… why are you putting _yourself_ through this?"

She shrugged. "I guess I just… feel compelled to stick around. I'd like to see where we're going, and if we're ever going to get there." Then a playful smirk traipsed across her lips. "Besides, if I did switch myself off, you'd have to put up with the Cat, Kryten and Holly all on your own, and then where would you be?"

"In an airlock without a spacesuit," he replied readily.

She laughed again. "We're a pair, aren't we…?" she sighed.

"The Unlikeliest Pair…," he agreed.

"I still feel so stupid… How can anyone be that stupid?"

Rimmer looked at her for a long moment. "If I tell you something, will you promise not to tell the others?" he asked.

She saw the earnest in his eyes, and she nodded silently.

Leaning forwards, he spoke as gently as he could lest someone was eavesdropping. "There was a time I did something so stupid that it killed my entire career."

"What, you mean your salute?" she asked without thinking.

He closed his eyes in quiet exasperation. "No…," he said slowly, trying to summon his courage. "When I first joined up, I was invited to join the officers for dinner… and they served Gazpacho Soup…"

Kochanski listened as he recounted the tale of his ill-fated dinner with the officers. He talked of the 'date' he'd hired, only for it to turn out she was a con-artist who stole his money, so he had to pretend she'd died in an accident when he turned up alone. He told her about the joke he'd tried to tell, but he'd forgotten the punchline. He told her about how the cold soup was brought before him, and he had it sent away to be heated.

"No one told you?" she asked incredulously. "They just sat there and laughed at you?"

Rimmer nodded mutely.

"My god, that's terrible…"

"And that was the end of my career."

"… I wouldn't say _that _was the reason you never…"

"If only just _once _they'd said Gazpacho Soup is served cold, I could've been an admiral by now! I really could've!"

"Rimmer, stop talking and listen, okay?" she said in firm but sad voice. "It wasn't that stupid. It's a mistake anyone could've made. Yes, it was humiliating, but the odds of any of them remembering years later are unlikely. I'm certain the only person who remembers the incident with any clarity is you."

Rimmer looked at her for a long moment. She was the one who had gotten her heart ripped out of her chest and stomped on, and now _she _was comforting _him_. Something felt weird about that, but he didn't know why. "You really think?" he asked quietly.

She smiled reassuringly. "Yes, I do… And anyway, they're all dead now. What's the point in beating yourself up about it?"

Rimmer thought about that. She had a valid point. "So… you promise never to mention it again?"

"I swear on my death that I will never mention it again," she replied, putting a hand across her chest.

Rimmer nodded slowly. "Well… thank you."

"Thank you for telling me. It means a lot that you're willing to trust me with it."

They sat in silence a little longer, but to their surprise, it wasn't as tense as before. They felt comfortable and at ease, something they rarely felt with each other. They sat there, staring up at the stars in thought.

Kochanski thought about whether or not it would be in bad taste to say 'souper', but she decided against it.


End file.
